Crashing Chandeliers
I’m drunk up on non-alcoholic beer (all they’ll let us have here) and swinging from Jules’ chandeliers again.
I think it’s time I enlighten this distinguished company with my knowledge of complicity and treason on a grand scale, a sort of chicanery not seen in ages:
President George Bush is responsible for global warming!
Hold on there… let me explain.
Pres. Bush started the war in Iraq with full knowledge that the vehicles and tools of war would pump vast quantities of carbon dioxide (the largest contributor to greenhouse gases) into the atmosphere. Next to an M1 Abrams tank, a so-called “gas guzzling” SUV looks like the second coming of green Jesus. Let’s not even talk about the constant transatlantic flights that ferry troops to and from the war zone!
That’s not even the worst of it- constant driving on unimproved roads damages the fragile carbon-trapping ecosystem and sends plumes of dust spiraling into the atmosphere. Fires rage out of control in the garbage pits of US bases, sending even more particulate matter into the air. Worst of all (and this is really heinous)- the thousands of IED explosions ever year are slowly but surely pushing the earth closer to the sun!
The heat increases the demand for water by the population and occupying troops- further stretching an important resource. Lower steps of the ecosystem may go entirely extinct- an event that can only lead to more man-eating badger attacks.
I have a solution, though. Listen closely- this’ll take some doing. We need to sell Global War on Terror Credits alongside the suddenly popular Carbon Credits. The funds generated will be used to instigate and fund conflicts in other parts of the globe. My calculations show that a widespread conflict in the Southwestern United States or Mexico will produce enough explosions to shift the earth back away from the sun, undoing the disastrous effects of the war in Iraq. We can never be too careful, though, so I would suggest further minor wars to make sure the earth continues moving. with any luck, we’ll be able to offset an entire future generation worth of conflict in the Middle East. We might even get it so cold that it ceases to be a hot spot.
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Posted by Teflon Don at 5:24 pm Comments (4) on Friday, August 31, 2007
4 Responses to “Crashing Chandeliers”
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August 31st, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Having had that non-alkie beer pass my lips, all I can say is that you must have consumed MASSIVE quantities to even approximate getting drunk; that swill has barely 1% alcohol in it. I just hope you are not too far away from the nearest latrine AND it’s tank was emptied recently. Else you might need to ’splain your deeds to your chain of command. Either way, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.
Still, I must admit, your idea regarding Global War on Terror Credits has considerable merit. Might I suggest printing them on discarded MRE cartons, signed by General Petraeus in oil? You could use all those Iraqi street urchins to do the work, thereby reducing overhead costs.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:49 pm
I recommend starting a conflict in San Francisco, as one of those small wars balancing our orbit. It can be the first war fought with ball bearings and marbles shot out of water cannons. The enemy will scream and run like little girls. It won’t be a very long war.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Oh, yeah, and Seattle might be another good place to start some trouble, except that it’s on the same side of the continent as SF. We might have to look on the opposite side, maybe one of those little New England states.
August 31st, 2007 at 7:53 pm
It’s late, teflon. Time to move on to the non-alcoholic whiskey.