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Rock Garden Press Conference

Following his 9/11 anniversary speech mocking the Crusader dogs, the Emir of the Unresurrected Caliphate and Sheikh in Chief of Umma Shahid Forces faces an adversarial Islamic Press Corps in the Rock Garden.  

Sheikh in Chief:

OK, I’ll take some questions now. Hey there, Farouk, I see you have a rocking new keffiyeh … where may I find myself one like that? Heh heh.

Farouk, cave affairs correspondent,  CBS (Cave Broadcasting Service):

Thank you, Your Eminence. Mr. Sheikh, you have praised Allah and his “law of retaliation … eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, the killer is killed … ” And yet the resilient infidels have been martyring our righteous militants at a rate of better than 5 to 1, conservatively.  How do you explain the tooth deficit of your current strategy?

SIC: 

Jihad is hard, Farouk.  It’s hard work. Building a Caliphate, and bringing the values of the Umma to Islamically undeveloped parts of the world is not easy, but I believe it is essential.  It is our Jihad! We believe that by creating a 14th century tyranny in the heart of the infidel lands, we will light a beacon that will cause other Crusader dog nations to despair. … Achmed?

Achmed, improvised explosive affairs correspondent, BBC (Baquba Bomb Corp.):

Mr. Sheikh, it is now six years since the blessed events of Sept. 11, and yet, within the borders of the Great Satan, we have seen no follow-on attacks.  In fact, even in our vassal states of al-Britainiyah and al-Alemaniyah, we see only evidence of bumbling, ineptness, stupidity.  Is it not true that you embarked upon jihad without a plan, and with insufficient mujahideen?

SIC:

Thank you, Achmed, that’s a good question, and I’d just like to say that no one expected the infidels, traditionally soft and weak like women, to resist in the manner they have, invading Muslim lands.   But jihad is hard. It’s very hard. It’s also difficult and not easy, Achmed. That is why I have developed this new strategy. ”The Beard of the Prophet.”  What do you think, does it look good?

Ali, Koran-flushing affairs correspondent, GP (Guantanamo Press):

But, Sword of Islam, with all due respect, this beard has the appearance of being fake, or perhaps dyed.  Of what possible use is a surge of facial hair?

SIC:

Thank you, Ali, I’m glad you asked this.  Of course it is real.  Does it not look real?  This is evidence of the blessings of Allah upon our cause, for he has rendered me youthful.  I expect this will strike fear in the hearts of the Christian dogs.  However, it will take time … Farouk?

Farouk:

Mr. Sheikh, many in the Umma now question the righteousness of your cause. In Anbar, Diyala, Salahuddin, Babil, even within al-Baghdad, we see Sunni tribes and common people turning to the infidels and betraying the Jihad. They question the effectiveness of fighting infidels by blowing up marketplaces, and suggest it is immoral. Sharia courts that were beheading apostates in town squares have been forced to disband.  Where are the signs of progress?

SIC:

I believe if you examine this situation closely, you will see we are making progress in new areas into which we are surging, as evidenced by recent operations against the devil-worshipping Yazdis.  But as I said, Farouk, these things take time.  Also, I would like to point out the virility and boldness of my beard, which must be given time.

Farouk:

A follow-up question if I may, Mr. Sheikh.  Must you not acknowledge the desire of the Iraqi people for al-Qaeda to withdraw all jihadis from this disastrous and failed war in Iraq? 

Sheikh:

I’m glad you asked that, Farouk.  This is jihad.  Jihad takes time. Not easy. Hard. I know the Iraqi people are tired of being blown to smithereens, but I have to listen to the terrorist masterminds on the ground.  Again, I ask you to be patient.  My beard is still new, and the Umma may not yet be accustomed to it.

Achmed:

Mr. Sheikh, here in the tribal areas of North Waziristan, we are under increasing pressure from local peoples as well as the Pakistani Army. In Afghanistan, mujahideen who ambush Crusader patrols are invariably martyred in large numbers, and also, the greatly feared and admired one-legged Mullah Dadullah won’t be down for pita bread.

SIC:

Thank you, Achmed.  I’d like to note that we have, through a measured program of abductions and executions, brought the South Korean government to its knees, and have initiated martyrdom bombing operations of the sort that have worked so well for us in Iraq. Also, our righteous Soldiers of Allah have stepped up the tactic of running into houses full of women and children, drawing these so-called “smart” bombs upon them in order to show what criminals the infidels are.

Press Mullah: 

Thank you, thank you, that will be all this morning, please.

Farouk:

Mr. Sheikh, Mr. Sheikh! Is it not true that the bin Laden-Zawahri administration has violated all norms of international law and decency with a policy of purposefully abducting civilians, torturing them, making them beg for mercy on video, and cutting their heads  off?

Press Mullah:

No more questions!

SIC, turning back:

No, Abdul, I’ll take this one.  Farouk, it is not as though we have put underwear on the heads of infidels or made them uncomfortable, all actions clearly defined as torture by the leading international human rights organizations.  We face an adversary that has done all these things. Silliness.  They are sillydoers. Creators of discomfort. I would like to note that those  international human rights organizations, through their silence, clearly have signalled that they accept our actions as being a matter quite apart from the law, and as the scholars of al Azhar University have defined them, a “new means of defense.” Thank you, and the blessings of the Almighty upon the Umma.

Islamic Press Corps, as SIC exits:

 Mr. Sheikh! Mr. Sheikh! 

Al-Olbermann, chief propagandist, MSNBC (Mohammed Symp Nutroots Broadcasting Corp.), as the press conference breaks up:

Bah, I tell you, Farouk, with the bad dye job, so cranky, so much ranting, he reminds me of the infidel Sean Hannity! 

Farouk:

Ha ha ha!  He is more like Bill al-Reilly … No Spinfidel Zone! Ha ha, do you not get it?  

Achmed:

No no, he sounds more and more like one of the Dhimmis upon the left side of al-Bloghisphere! I tell you, Kos must take him as a diarist before al-Huffpo does!

Ali:

Ha ha ha! But I tell you, al-Obermann. To me it sounds as though you and the Sheikh are using the same speechwriter!

Topics: Al Stooges of Three, al qaeda

  Posted by Jules Crittenden at 9:52 am on Saturday, September 8, 2007

7 Responses to “Rock Garden Press Conference”

1. Vanguard of the Commentariat Says:
   September 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am

   For such an enviro-greenie, OBL sure made a helluva smoky mess and heated up the atmosphere about 6 years ago. You’d think Al Gore would be all over his ass about that.

2. RebeccaH Says:
   September 8th, 2007 at 12:09 pm

   To complete his transformation, all Osama needs is an open-throated shirt, some gold chains, and a sports convertible. The beard, fabulous as it is, would have to go though.

3. steve Says:
   September 8th, 2007 at 2:48 pm

   Vanguard–excellent point.

   Just as AQ showed great concern for the environment spreading smoke, heat, and asbestos in 2001 they have shown similar compassion for humanity and the environment resorting to chorine bombs in Anbar now.

   You can’t make up hypocrisy this absurd.

   Hilarious and poignant piece Jules

4. Terrye Says:
   September 8th, 2007 at 8:21 pm

   silly doers, I like that.

5. saltydog Says:
   September 8th, 2007 at 11:20 pm

   Jules, you make more sense with your skits than the NYT can manage in the space of the Sunday edition.

   I liked “silly doers,” too.

   Do you think those who either parrot OBL, or are parroted by him, ever feel even the first blush of shame? I don’t either.

6. Sunday Funnies « QC Examiner Says:
   September 9th, 2007 at 12:16 pm

   [...] Rock Garden Press Conference wherein the Sheikh-in-Chief answers questions from the press after his 9/11 anniversary [...]

7. Bin laden press conference : thought cops Says:
   September 10th, 2007 at 2:18 am

   [...] Read the whole thing. [...]

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