Meanwhile, in Fatwa News
Hamas TV: After a short prayer break, “Tomorrow’s Pioneers” segues to “Fatwas Today.” Close up on your host, Farouk, seated amid the rubble of Hamas TV’s Gaza Studios in a burnt orange Barcalounger. That is to say, an orange Barcalounger that has been burnt.
Farouk:
Salaamu aleikum everybody! Welcome to Fatwas Today! We’ve got a lot to talk about. All fatwas all the time here at Fatwas Today, of course. Ha ha! But seriously, we live in a time of jihad against the infidels and their Zionist masters. Everyone is accustomed to thinking of a fatwa as “Kill this blaspheming infidel,” or “Kill that blaspheming infidel” or “Wipe from the face of earth all Zionists whose very existence is an abomination in the eyes of Allah.” But it is not so. Well, yes, it is so, about the abomination and the necessity of killing infidels. But I speak of those fatwas which do not simply address matters of unbeliever cleansing. With me today are Achmed and Ali, both esteemed fatwa experts, to discuss how fatwas can help guide you in your own personal jihad. Welcome, Achmed, Ali!
Camera pulls back to show Achmed and Ali on a shrapnel-dotted zebra-striped loveseat.
Achmed:
Death to the Great Satan.
Ali:
By the Beard of the Prophet, you talk a lot, Farouk.
Farouk:
Ali, please. We are upon television … but perhaps, Ali, seeing as you are an expert also in this business of talk, you may talk to us about the necessity of fatwas upon outside prayers by the ignorant and quite foul-smelling Fatah!
Ali:
Thank you, Farouk, I am so glad you asked. Of course, because Fatah have chosen to lie in a bed of offal as pigs with the Zionists, it has become necessary within the mosques of Gaza, wherein the wisdom of Hamas in following the true path is recognized, to point out Fatah shortcomings. This, because they of Fatah are like children, made them run out in the open spaces, wah wah wah, and pray there, much as donkeys kneel in the sun at midday. This of course is haram, and has the effect of wreaking chaos, and so it became necessary to beat them and also to arrest them.
Farouk:
Of course. Very good. Wrongful prayer practices … quite apart from cavorting with filthy Zionists … eminently fatwa worthy.
Ali:
Well, yes. The Palestinian Clerics Association in Gaza, which is affiliated with Hamas, issued a fatwa against holding prayers out of doors. Association Chairman Marwan Abu Ras, who is also a Legislative Council member representing Hamas, explained the fatwa at a press conference, saying: “When [people] choose to abandon the mosques and pray in [outdoor] public places, it is a [declaration of] war against the houses of worship, and against their sacredness and prestige. In light of [people's] insistence on continuing [this practice], we think that these prayers are dangerous, and that no person in Gaza or the West Bank should participate in them, regardless of who is sponsoring them.”
Farouk:
I see. You said that very well, by the way, Ali.
Ali:
Thank you. But do you know what the pigs of Fatah said? Palestinian Chief Justice and acting head of the Palestinian Authority’s Shari’a Judicial System Sheikh Taysir Al-Tamimi ruled that it was permissible to pray outside the mosques under the open sky and in public venues. He wrote: “[The only] official body authorized to issue fatwas is shari’a courts or the Mufti’s office.” He added, “The fatwa that prohibited praying under the open sky was not based on a text or on the evidence from the shari’a, since the Prophet’s Sunna explicitly ruled, both in word and in deed, that prayer is permissible in any place. The Prophet said: ‘The Earth has become a mosque and a pure place. [Every] one from among my nation will pray in every place he finds himself.’
Farouk:
Well, that sounds reasonable. I’m sure the Prophet did say that.
Ali:
Farouk, you goat, do you not understand that Fatah has blasphemed by incorrectly citing the Koran in defiance of Hamas, and for this must be thrown from rooftops?
Farouk:
Uh, yes, of course. Perhaps we should move on. Achmed, I understand there is news of the Saudis, those handshakers of Jews, and their fascination with idolatry!
Achmed:
Why yes, Farouk. The Saudis, who are fat apostates that may be likened unto shoes upon the feet of the Crusaders, very much enjoy worshipping at the shrines of the Egyptians, which is haram. So alarming is this that even their own imams are disturbed, and while many of these imams may be likened unto beetles that roll up balls of dung, they have recognized that a serious crisis is emerging of Saudi youth cavorting among the tombs of dead polytheists.
Farouk:
That sounds like a frightful situation. I hope the imams have put a stop to this.
Achmed:
Quite the contrary. Dr. Muhammad Al-Khudhairi, lecturer at Al-Qassim University in Saudi Arabia, posted on www.Islamlight.net a fatwa permitting visiting the Egyptian pyramids for the sake of learning a moral lesson.
Farouk:
But what moral is it possible to find among the tombs of filthy pagans?
Achmed:
For the love of Allah, Farouk, cork your felafel hole and allow me to finish:
“To the best of my knowledge, the pyramids are graves of polytheists, and a Muslim is permitted to visit them for the sake of a moral lesson. Visiting these tombs [has several purposes]:
“1. Learning a moral lesson and being warned, as it is stated in the hadith, based on the [reliable] collection by Muslim, transmitted by word of mouth by Abu Huraira, who said: ‘The Prophet visited his mother’s grave and cried, making everyone around him cry with him, and he said: ‘I have asked permission from Allah to beg forgiveness for my mother, but [my request] was not granted. So I asked Him for permission to visit her grave, and He granted it. Therefore, visit graves, since they remind you of death.’
“2. Pleading on behalf of the dead, provided they are Muslims, as is ruled in several hadiths…
Based on the above, it does not seem to me that there is an interdiction against going to see the pyramids, but it is incumbent upon the [visitor] to adhere to the following principles:
“a) One must not make a special trip to the pyramids, or a trip that requires special preparations. A reliable hadith by the Prophet states: ‘Do not prepare for the journey, except to [the following] three mosques: My mosque [i.e. the Prophet's Mosque in Al-Medina], the Al-Haram mosque in Mecca, and the Al-Aqsa mosque.’
“b) The place must not be full of abominable objects, for it is not proper for a Muslim to be exposed to places containing temptations and abominable objects, for the sake of entertainment or for the sake of contemplating Allah’s wonders.
“c) Women are forbidden to visit these places, and they are actually forbidden to visit graves, according to religious sages.
“d) [The visit must not be] with the intention of aggrandizing these tombs or the dead that they contain, of circling them, or of touching them in order to be blessed, as is the custom of some visitors.
“Sheikh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyya stated in his book Visitation of Tombs and Seeking Help from the Dead: ‘There is no inanimate object in the world that one is permitted to kiss except for the black stone [in the Ka'ba]. It is proven in two reliable hadiths that ‘Omar said: ‘I swear that I know that thou art a stone that neither harms nor helps, and had I not seen the Prophet kiss thee, I would not have kissed thee [either].’ Therefore, the imams do not agree among themselves whether a man [is permitted] to kiss or bless the two corners of the Ka’ba [on both sides of the black] stone, or its fences, or the place of Abraham’s prayer adjacent to the Ka’ba, or the rock inside the Dome of the Rock, or the grave of any of the prophets or righteous people.
Farouk:
Oh. OK. Well, that answers that. Pyramids OK!
Achmed:
Not exactly, you garbage-chewing goat. Along with religious authorities who permit visits to the pyramids under certain conditions, there are those who forbid them. In May 2004, Sheikh Maher Al-Qahtani, webmaster at www.alsonan.net (which specializes in the traditions of the Prophet), posted a fatwa that forbids visiting Egyptian pyramids on the grounds that they enclose the graves of infidels. Following is the translation of his fatwa:
“It is forbidden to enter the homes [of infidels] or the ruins of the homes in which they used to dwell, and it is forbidden to visit them if it is known that infidel tyrants [dwelt there]. If a [Muslim] visitor must pass by [such places], he must do so in haste – according to what has been transmitted to us by Bukhari and Muslim through Ibn ‘Omar – for when the Prophet passed by the stones [ruins of structures], he said: ‘Do not enter the homes of [the infidels] who inflicted iniquity upon themselves [i.e. harmed themselves by failing to embrace Islam], unless you are weeping [from fear] that you will be harmed by that which harmed them.’ He then faced forward [without looking right or left] and walked at a quick pace until he left the wadi behind.
“It is forbidden to linger in their homes or among the ruins [of their homes], or to enjoy viewing them. For Allah said in the Koran [concerning Pharaoh and his people]: ‘In front of the Fire will they be brought, morning and evening: And (the sentence will be) on the Day that Judgment will be established: “Cast ye the People of Pharaoh into the severest Penalty!”‘ [Koran 40:46].
“Archeological sites contain graven images, and it is forbidden to enter a place containing pictures or graven images, unless with the purpose of defacing them, as Abraham did to statues – he entered the place where they stood, and smashed them.
“In the beginning, while the Prophet still dwelt in Mecca, he did not smash the statues around the Ka’ba, since the [danger] was certain [i.e. it was highly probable that the people of Mecca would kill Muhammad if he destroyed their statues]. In spite of the statues, he prayed and circled the Ka’ba. When the [danger, i.e. to his life] ended, he did not leave [the statues] but smashed them. Therefore, the decisive ruling is, as stated by the Sheikh Al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyya], that it is permissible to pray in a church if it does not contain any images, but it is forbidden to do so if it does.
“Several of the Prophet’s friends followed this ruling, since the Prophet did not enter the Ka’ba while it contained images, until they were removed. Sheikh Al-Islam ruled that if one finds oneself in a place containing an abominable object, and cannot change [the circumstances], one is not permitted to remain there.
“Moreover, visiting archaeological sites can cause the [visitors] to be attracted to them. Graven images are forbidden… because they lead to polytheism.”
Farouk:
Excuse me. Did you just refer to me as a garbage-chewing goat?
Achmed:
It is a figure of speech. You see, when you say something that is stupid, it makes a sound that falls upon the ears precisely as the sound of a goat that is chewing up a garbage heap, therefore …
Farouk:
Therefore, my sandal shall be as a fatwa righteously rapped upon your head!
Achmed:
Oh, a fatwa of sandals, you say? Well, perhaps we shall have a fatwa of rooftops, and you shall be chucked off one of them!
Ali:
Please, you donkeys. This is a serious discussion. I would still like to discuss the very alarming matter of the Saudi Mufti, who has issued a fatwa prohibiting Saudi youth from engaging in jihad abroad!
Farouk:
Rooftops, eh? Perhaps I will fire a fatwa rocket up your very large …
Ali:
Farouk, please. If you don’t mind … This Mufti, a tool of the Christian dogs, has issued an infidel-inspired fatwa intended to prevent well-intentioned Muslim youth from martyring themselves in righteous war against Crusaders and apostate, idol-worshipping Shiites in their marketplaces! Why, I can hardly believe what is being stated …
Achmed:
Perhaps I have already planted the IED of all Fatwas under the road that is your …
Farouk:
Perhaps I have donned a burkha like a woman and have strapped around my waist a fatwa belt I will wear upon the bus of your …
Ali:
… and I quote: “Out of concern for our youth, and in order to give advice to the Muslim imams and the Muslim public, I have resolved to issue [the following statement]. For several years now, we have been faced [with a phenomenon] of our youth going out from Saudi Arabia with the intention of engaging in jihad for the sake of Allah. These young people are full of enthusiasm and religious zeal, but lack sufficient religious knowledge to be able to discern between truth and falsehood – which is why they succumb to temptation and fall into traps set for them by suspicious elements. They have become a pawn in the hands of foreign apparatuses, which are toying with them in the name of jihad, and are using them to accomplish their own shameful aims and getting what they want by [perpetrating] foul operations that could not be further from the religion.”
So you see this pampered Saudi mufti, in his ignorance …
Achmed:
Perhaps you enjoy wearing burkhas for purposes unrelated to jihad!
Farouk:
Perhaps you will enjoy the jihad of my foot upon your bottom!
(Cloud of billowing cartoon smoke, with fists and sandaled feet protruding, punctuated with explosion-shaped noise bubbles stating, “POW!” “SMACK!” “PUNCH!” “KICK!” “KARATE CHOP!” “HI-YA!!!” and “OUCHIE OUCHIE OUCHIE!!!” The dust settles to reveal Farouk and Achmed leaning up against each other, with X’s on their eyes and several bluebirds circling their heads going “cheep cheep cheep!”)
Ali, who has been distracted by the dulcet tones of his own voice, upon noticing the disturbance:
Farouk! Achmed! Please. The pair of you are as two mangy dogs fighting over offal in the gutter outside a butcher’s shop! This violence is unseemly! May we all not just get along?
Previously:
Pork-Gobbling Crusader Dog Starts Blogging
Topics: Al Stooges of Three
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 1:32 am Comments (4) on Friday, October 5, 2007
4 Responses to “Meanwhile, in Fatwa News”
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October 5th, 2007 at 4:14 am
The battle of the fatwas. Surely there are Muslims who blush at all of this.
I know that most people think that Christianity outgrew this kind of fanaticism, but that only happened with the respect for reason borne of the Enlightenment. I wonder how long it can last as the west dispenses with the lessons learned. Watching the spectacle of the religious wars within Islam, I am very conscious of our own history and the importance, first of all, of individualism, and of keeping our government secular. It is the only way to protect people from the kind of death and destruction involved with any form of collectivism–be it secular or religious.
Jules, that was a brilliant presentation of the subject. It is worthy of ridicule. Sides that, you’re a funny guy. ;~)
October 5th, 2007 at 11:07 am
The boys have done another fine job of explaining things, this time “Dueling Fatwas”.
It’s interesting that fundie Islam seeks to erase history (shrines and ruins), just as various totalitarian communist regimes have tried to do in the past (Cambodia comes to mind).
October 5th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Imams do sit around all day considering inquiries from the lesser ones as to questions about small aspects of their lives.
It’s quite (psychologically) astonishing and must drive people crazy, all the tiny detail and regulation of every aspect of a human life.
Paranoia inducing at making a mistake, especially with the possibility of violating some obscure fatwa or the fact that one fatwa says this and another on the same topic (e.g. “Is it permitted under Islam to work as a bouncer ?”) can say something entirely different.
October 5th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Have a gander at Grand Ayatollah al Sistani’s rulings alone !
http://www.sistani.org/local.php?modules=nav&nid=2&bid=59