The Nine Plagues
… of Western Snivilization. Hilarious list of catastrophic doom and gloom predictions of the past four decades:
1960s: The Population Bomb. Too many people yields global famines and cannibalism.
1970s: No oil by 2000.
1970s: The new Ice Age. Just when the oil wells ran dry, the glaciers would begin rolling down western Europe again.
1980s: AIDS. You’re all going to die, YES YOU, said the creepy advertisements.
1990s: BSE. Eat beef? You’re going to end up a drooling victim of Mad Cow Disease.
1990s-present: Global Warming. Well, the Ice Age didn’t emerge. Instead, the world’s getting warmer. This didn’t come as a relief to the powers that be. Instead, it’s even more disastrous, as we are faced with rising sea levels, bizarre weather patterns and deadly heatwaves.
2000s: Terrorism. We’re facing a 9/11 every week from bombers who plan to destroy planes with weapons hidden in shampoo bottles. No one is safe as our cities teem with terrorists … though Islam is the religion of peace, and anyone who says otherwise faces criminal charges and/or beheading.
2000s: Bird Flu.
2008: The credit crunch. Recession, depression or financial apocalypse?
Great list. Worth noting that “2000s: terrorism” is one that, unlike the others, could have come to pass if not for active and aggressive intervention by government. The credit crunch, currently open to debate.
But it’s actually 10 plagues. Eursoc and Gerard Vanderleun at American Digest left one out.
Y2K: If you weren’t in a plane falling out of the sky, you were going to be trapped in an elevator and not be able to tell what time it was, while being forced to survive on canned soup. Something like that. There were also going to be massive terrorist attacks, but it turned out the terrorists were working on a different clock.
My favorite on the list is global warming, a cause exalted to levels not seen since classical times when men could and did dwell among, do battle and fornicate with the very gods, as evidenced by the Nobel Peace Prize bestowed upon Al Gore when even the global warming enthusiasts noting that his fearmongering was grossly exaggerated. You know, that Earth’s periodic temp changes would wreak devastation upon us all, and only by boarding enormous bio-solar arks and/or driving Priuses at 100 mph or at least dwelling in sprawling eco-friendly mansions might we hope to escape wretched mortality. Something like that, I dunno. I like it because it’s more than a little nonsequitorial following the oil that didn’t get burned up, the population that didn’t explode, the Ice Age that … hang on, that one might still be coming. And because the warming panic has almost entirely consumed government and academia, to an extent nothing but the somewhat more legitimate concern of nuclear holocaust ever did.
Make that 11 plagues.
1950s-80s: Nuclear holocaust. Never too late for that one, though.
No, 12.
4.5 billion years ago-present: Maybe the historically/pre-historically most likely Earth-devastator of all. The sky falling.
Topics: impending doom!
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 7:54 pm Comments (6) on Sunday, October 12, 2008
6 Responses to “The Nine Plagues”
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October 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Maybe it’s a form of trying to control everyone … thru fear or DON’T use too much of that!! ya – oil! I think it’s been pretty effective – except for those people having all those baby’s and living their lives! ;)
October 12th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Don’t forget the hole in the ozone layer….
October 12th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Also, there’s the much dreaded Zombie Invasion.
October 12th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Don’t forget SARS. South Park did a great spoof on that one:
Randy: Stanley, listen to me . I have SARS. There’s only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
Stan: No Dad, No!
Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Rebecca, I think that the Zombie Invasion has already occurred. Just look at Hollywood.
October 13th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Don’t forget those evil ChemTrails being used to make everyone infertile or something equally stupid like that……
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory