Why I’m Voting For Obama
You know, all those sober-minded Beltway Obamacons have me thinking. So far it’s all been good race-baiting, lefty-smearing fun, but we’ve come to the point in the campaign where it is time to mull things over and make a serious decision. As Bill might put it, go ahead, fall in lust for Moose-Huntin’ Mama’s hot red suit and boots, but …
We’re at the point where each of us needs to look around and say, hey, what’s everyone else doing? Should I think about doing it, too, so people don’t laugh at me or snicker behind my back and say stuff?
It isn’t just about superficial high school things like that. There are some very serious considerations. Do we really want a trip-wire vet and a gap-toothed hick in the White House? Can America, no, can the world survive four more years of Bushitler Anschluss?
I was briefly heartened by the simple, no-nonsense message of Joe the Plumber. Obama wants to redistribute wealth. Of course that’s bad. It’s not only bad, it’s unAmerican. It’s downright socialism, and last time I checked, in America we send people to the electric chair for that. But then I learned Joe the Plumber is not a union member and may have trouble paying his taxes. Also, he’s got a 13-year-old kid and John McCain said his name 26 times.
The tsunami of polls indicating the McCain-Palin campaign is in free fall, plummeting by as much as a couple of points, also has me deeply concerned. After eight years of deep unpopularness, maybe it is time now for someone who looks good in the polls. Just another little bit of change that matters.
After all, this is America. It isn’t like anything bad is going to happen here, at least once we end injustice, poverty and racism. That socialism thing? Come on. There aren’t any commies any more. Even when there were, Che was cool-looking. So Obama hung around with people who said they like terrorism, God Damn Amerika, all that. Hello, freedom of speech? Is there something wrong with saying stuff? It’s not like Obama is some kind of Manchurian candidate who is going to let the Mongol hordes in. Or the Muslim ones. And don’t start up with the “Hussein” thing again. He’s no scary Muslim … not that there’s anything wrong with that. He’s a regular old Christian. Just ask Rev. Wright.
Sure, he has a nice easy smile, but he also looks very determined, strong-jawed yet thoughtful, as if he’s very seriously pondering, “Why do they hate us?” Don’t laugh, that’s not funny. There is absolutely nothing in the record to indicate that President Obama wouldn’t slap the cuffs on any jihadis when the evidence is there that they plan to attack America, or already have, and that the Obama Justice Department won’t throw the book at them in a major way. He’s personally going to invade Pakistan, or not, depending. And he’s got some stern words for a lot of dictators he intends to deliver face-to-face, mano a mano. Nuke-happy mullahs, watch out: There’s a new community resource officer in town, and you’re about to be read your Miranda rights.
Unfortunately, America is still a fetid swamp of frothing racism, as the New York Times, the AP and even many credible media outlets have taken pains to point out. So maybe it is time for America to take the next step. Some people might say, yeah, OK, Obama’s black, but he’s not experienced enough. Community organizer, state senator, showed up on the national scene five minutes ago, no executive experience. I think you have to ask yourself, does that really matter? The issue, when you’re trying to end racism, isn’t whether he’s up to running the country and the world or not, or whether all his friends are left-wing wackjobs, or whether his ideas make any sense, or even whether he actually believes anything he says. What do you think the last 40 years of affirmative action have been all about? It’s whether he’s black or not, and that’s pretty well been established. OK, biracial, same difference. Anyway, Obama has a stodgy old white geezer in the jump seat to make sure he doesn’t do anything too radical or, I dunno, too young or too black, I guess. At least I think that’s why he picked Old Hairplugs.
So I was thinking, maybe it’s time to do what all the other guys are doing. Colin Powell, Ken Adelman, Douglas Kmiec, Christopher Hitchens … OK, he’s just going back where he came from … Charles Fried, Francis Fukuyama, Chuck Hagel, Bruce Bartlett kind of, Bill Weld, Lincoln Chafee, Scott McClellan, Christopher Buckley … damn, there’s a lot of them. Looking at that very long list of august names, considering where we stand at this important portal in history, I think the question anyone at all progressively minded should be asking is … hey Condi, why don’t you grow a set?
You know what Mom always said, if everyone else was jumping off a cliff …. But maybe it is time, right now, in 2008, to do what everyone else is doing. Shrug, say what the heck, get on the Bush-bashing wagon … you have to admit, that does look like fun … and finally acknowledge what the deep booming voice from that opening in the clouds with all the blinding rays of light has been telling us. Obama is the Anointed One.
Last night, Obama delivered his closer. Boston Herald:
“Night Rider” - one of the TV shows that got bumped to make way for Barack Obama’s infomercial - was looking pretty good last night about six minutes into the candidate’s last-minute pitch.
The Democratic contender had better be elected president, because he wouldn’t make a great late-night infomercial pitchman.
His 30-minute TV special was aimed at the middle class and depicted a few Americans struggling with finances and health care that left you with a feeling of depression rather than hope.
Those vingettes were far more engaging than the prerecorded segments of Obama speaking in a room that looked an awful lot like the Oval Office, and the pitches by business execs and politicians, including Gov. Deval Patrick.
The Obama campaign shelled out about $4 million for 30 minutes of TV on three networks and cable, including CBS, NBC, Fox, BET, Univision, MSNBC and TV One - not willing to risk losing any cave-dwelling voters who might possibly have missed the media saturation to date.
The candidate was in mid-drone, sandwiched between sob stories, when it finally hit me. I mean really hit me, personally. The time has come. I’ve been ignoring infomercials, channel-surfing away in hardhearted self-centered annoyance for decades. But at longlast, the time has come when we have to let those little nagging voices speak to us. It’s time we all reached down deep, some maybe deeper than than others, to Save the Children. It’s Obama as the Sally Struthers of our national conscience. It’s more than that. He’s the guy on our big national speedboat with lots of babes in bikinis. What are you waiting for? He’s got the secret to attaining universal health care and wealth equity, you just have to buy his tape. America can have killer abs, without all that sweating and going to the gym and kicking down third-world mudhut doors. It is that easy. Return it in four years, no obligation, if not fully satisfied.
And that’s why I’ve decided to announce that I’m voting for Obama.*
* That’s what I’ll be telling pollsters, the national media and everyone I know, anyway. What I do in the polling booth is my own damn business. Look, the leadership of the free world and all that is really important, but the last thing I want is anyone to think I’m a racist. Or even worse, not cool.**
Incoming:
Now that’s some smart meat. Protein Wisdom gets it. But I also have to agree with his commenter CSmith, because I’m an Obamist now.
Neocon thinks I’m kidding. God, it feels good. Obama Obama Obama! Yeeaaaaaaaah!
Robert S. “The Other” McCain at the American Spectator, Crittenden’s not as funny as other Obamacons, but more earnest.
American Digest, Crittenden goes commando. Hey, I like that. All loose and liberated.
Neptunus Lex: He was against Obama before he was for him.
Related:
Tigerhawk, Obama’s beloved aunt lives in anonymous poverty in a wretched South Boston housing project. Yawn.
Steyn, Auntie’s Obama support as proof of citizenship. Hello. Thank you.
Malkin, Voter Fraud Chic at the Gap. There she goes again.
Gateway, ACORN, blah blah blah … illegal donations, yada yada yada.
Say Anything, Bi-Partisan Obama will give Republicans a reach across …
Hate speech from Treacher! Or hate comics, whatever.
** Hang on, hold everything! What the heck was I thinking? Thank you, Andrew Sullivan, I’m voting for McCain again.
Topics: Obama, mockery, moronocy, pols
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 10:42 am on Thursday, October 30, 2008
10 Responses to “Why I’m Voting For Obama”
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October 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
[...] Jules Crittenden was already leaning that way, but last night’s 30-minute infomercial cinched it: he’s going for Obama. [...]
October 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the - Web Reconnaissance for 10/30/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day…so check back often.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
The wind up…. the pitch… swings….. it’s a long one, a long one… it’s…. OUTA HERE!
October 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Heh. If Obamamama reads this, she will be overjoyed.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
[...] Jules Crittenden says (publicly at least) that he’s planning to drink the Kool-Aid. [...]
October 30th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Speaking of mamas in red hot boots…
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/cityregion/s_595966.html
October 30th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
[...] Jules Crittendenis going all-in for Obama. His reasons sound a lot better than the other pusillanimous Republicans (Parker, Will, Adelman, Noonanm, et. al.) who have gone over to the Chosen One. We’re at the point where each of us needs to look around and say, hey, what’s everyone else doing? Should I think about doing it, too, so people don’t laugh at me or snicker behind my back and say stuff? [...]
October 30th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I have to say I really loved this article. Very well thought out. Great reasoning explaining your choice :-)
October 30th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
But wait! There’s MORE!!!
November 1st, 2008 at 11:16 pm
[...] clipped from http://www.julescrittenden.com [...]