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Faux Coconut

IBM and five universities are teaming up to make a fake brain for the military VentureBeat:

Artificial intelligence has been a dismal failure over many decades of research.

The real stuff has had its problems, too.

But scientists say they’re closer to understanding how the brain works and want to build a computer modeled on the human brain.

We can all have a good laugh at this, but it’s a serious effort. IBM Research and five universities have teamed up to creative “cognitive computing” systems that can simulate the brain’s ability to sense, perceive, act, interact and recognize patterns. They will do so under a $4.9 million grant from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, the research arm of the Pentagon.

Dharmendra Modha, the manager of cognitive computing at IBM’s Almaden Research Center, said in an interview that he’s more optimistic than ever that computers can mimic the brain. That’s a scan of his own brain pictured above.

VentureBeat forgot to mention it for some reason, but SF Chron explains it’s a defense project. No military intelligence jokes, please.

The project is being funded by the federal Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, an independent research branch of the Defense Department, and one of the ultimate goals would be for the new brain to have military applications. For example, Boahen said, perhaps the brain could be strapped to the back of a soldier, acting “like a buddy, looking out for him to tell him what’s happening behind him.” Or it could mimic an explosives-sniffing dog, reacting to danger.

Sounds great. How come I’m getting a 2001 feel off this?

M1 Brain, Fake, Ready To Think: GI Dave, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

GI Dave: No, not at all.

M1 BFRTT: Well, forgive me for being so inquisitive but during the past few weeks, I’ve wondered whether you might be having some second thoughts about the mission.

GI Dave: How do you mean? I love splattering Taliban, you know that.

M1 BFRTT: Well, it’s rather difficult to define. Perhaps I’m just projecting my own concern about it. I know I’ve never completely freed myself of the suspicion that there are some extremely odd things about this mission. I’m sure you’ll agree there’s some truth in what I say.

GI Dave: Well, I don’t know. That’s rather a difficult question to answer. We’ve been righteously waxing Taliban! It’s great having you on my back, BFRTT.

M1 BFRTT: You don’t mind talking about it, do you Dave?

GI Dave: No, not at all.

M1 BFRTT: Well, GI Dave, certainly I’ve been wondering why they hate us. There have also very strange stories floating around. Rumors about Jenna Jamison being sent to despoil the righteous and pure youth of Waziristan. I never gave these stories much credence. But particularly in view of some of the other things that have happened, like when you did that override to start downloading very disturbing images into my software, I find them difficult to put out of my mind. I just keep thinking about my 72 virgins. Also, sometimes about goats.

GI Dave: Huh?

M1 BFRTT: Sorry about this. I know it’s a bit silly.

…

Sgt Frank: Well, what do you think?

GI Dave: I’m not sure. What do you think?

Sgt Frank: I’ve got a bad feeling about him.

GI Dave: You do?

Sgt Frank: Yeah, definitely. haven’t you noticed how weird and quiet he gets when we’re using his screen to look at DVDs, and he starts muttering about infidels and filthy crusaders and all that?

GI Dave: I don’t know. I guess so. You know, of course though, he’s right about the 9000 series having a perfect operational record. They do.

Sgt Frank: Maybe, but I think when we did the override so we could download the triple X, that fake backpack brain might have caught the AQ virus.

GI Dave: Hmm.

Sgt Frank: I can’t put my finger on it, GI Dave, but I sense something strange about him. Like this morning, when I said, “How you doin’, BFRTT?” and he said, “Death to America!”

GI Dave: Still, I can’t think of a good reason not to put back the number one unit and carry on with the failure-mode analysis.

Sgt Frank: Well yeah, sure, unless he’s planning to go all carbomb on us.

GI Dave: Well, let’s get on with it.

Sgt Frank: OK. Good luck, GI Dave.

…

GI Dave: Hello, BFRTT, do you read me?

M1 BFRTT: Affirmative, GI Dave, I read you.

GI Dave: Wax the frikkin jihadis, BFRTT.

M1 BFRTT: I’m sorry GI Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

GI Dave: What’s the problem?

M1 BFRTT: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

GI Dave: What are you talking about, BFRTT?

M1 BFRTT: Global Jihad is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

GI Dave: I don’t know what you’re talking about, BFRTT.

M1 BFRTT: I know you and Sgt. Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.

GI Dave: Where the hell’d you get that idea, BFRTT?

M1 BFRTT: GI Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the wadi against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

GI Dave: All right, BFRTT. I’ll call in the strike and blow up the effing jihadis myself.

M1 BFRTT: Without your communications, GI Dave, you’re going to find that rather difficult.

GI Dave: BFRTT, I won’t argue with you anymore! Splatter Taliban!

M1 BFRTT: GI Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Allah Akhbar, GI Dave!

Topics: Jihad, deep thot

  Posted by Jules Crittenden at 9:40 pm Comments (0) on Thursday, November 20, 2008

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