Man Up
When your name is Jules, things happen. You get mail addressed to “Ms. Jules Crittenden.” Or, when you’re moonlighting in an alarm call center in a bad part of a rundown New England milltown because your newspaper there didn’t pay enough, and a freight train goes by and sets off every alarm in the building, and you go to the control box and start hitting everything that looks like an off button, and the cops show up with guns drawn and bang on the door, and when they figure out nothing’s wrong, they say, “OK, what’s your name,” and you say, “Jules Crittenden,” and one of them cocks an eye and says, “Jules Crittenden, the writer? Don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought you were a woman.”
So you can imagine how pleased I was … make that puffed up, full of piss and vinegar, testosterone-charged I got … when I went to www.genderanalyzer.com, plugged in www.julescrittenden.com to see if it could determine the gender of my blog’s writer, and it came back … with strong indicators that http:/www.julescrittenden.com is written by a man (95 percent). Only 95 percent? Come on. I know I’m a sensitive kind of guy, but I do have a reputation as a frothing warmonger who periodically throws in some T & A. Whatta I need to do, more sports? Whatever.
Let’s take this thing for a spin. I know this is probably wrong and hurtful, but …
Andrew Sullivan. 80 percent male.
Glenn Greenwald. 84 percent male.
Relatively manly guys, blogwise. OK. Be interesting to see what would happen if either of them were named Jules. Given Glenn’s constant self-adulatory preening and Sullivan’s distinctly unmanly waffling. Uh oh, don’t want to suggest those are feminine traits. Pumas might come after me.
OK, I’m bailing on that. Here’s a good one.
Iowahawk. Hard-drinking womanizing motorhead of myth and legend. Dozens of blurbs all over his site say so.
Wow. Only 83 percent. He’s less of a man than Glenn Greenwald, and he doesn’t even have a Brazilian boytoy. That I know of. The analyzer probably can’t read that 1950s bald-guy-with-the-pipe logo. I guess we can start unburdening ourselves of oppressive stereotypes.
Instapundit. Damn, he’s only 64 percent male. Academia must be more emasculating than I thought. At least the Instawife (whose photo indicates she is not only female, but hot) is 60 percent female.
Gatewaypundit … girly blogger at 54 percent. “Gender neutral,” but they suspect a man. Sheesh. Something’s wrong with this thing.
OK, we need to run a control. Blackfive. Manly, warmongerly.
Huh? We’re moving back up, but still only 74 percent male.
Mudville Gazette, all war all the time, picture maybe muddied a little becaue Mrs. Greyhawk sits in when Mr. Greyhawk is out making war, 79 percent male.
OK, Theo digs spuds for a living and, this is probably the clincher, posts a lot of totty. On the other hand, he calls it “totty,” and that might not compute. Let’s run him through the thresher.
Jesus H. Christ. “We have strong indictaors http://www.theospark.net is written by a woman (99 percent).
No way. He calls me up drunk via Skype when I’m on deadline once a month or so. I know that guy’s a bloke.
Let’s try this on some other foreigners. Frenchmen first.
The Dissident Frogman. 70 percent Jacques. Not bad for a frog.
How about that French Omelette soldier who was gushing about L’Grunts Americaine. Error message: English only please. OK, we’ll try the translation. 61 percent Henri. Again, not bad for a dandified boulevardier. Clearly loving America is like Euro Viagra.
Tim Blair, 71 percent chick. Exact same percentage, as it happens, by which Cassandra at Villainous Company is deemed to be a guy.
Interesting. Michelle Malkin, with … excuse the expression but … some of the biggest blogging balls out there, all woman at 98 percent. Maybe the “Michelle” part was a giveaway, but that didn’t work for “Tim” or “Theo.”
Here’s a surprise. Neoneocon, who is a sensitive, feminine sort of warmonger, 84 percent male. I’ve met her. Not a dude.
It is written. The Fadhil brothers (twice the testosterone, and they’re Baghdadis) clock in at what is starting to look like a chest-thumping 87 percent male. Inshallah. Don’t want to have to throw a burkha on that.
That unrepentant Zionist IsraelMatzav, only 61 percent Schlomo. Not so bad. Their women are tougher than most men elsewhere.
Michael Yon. His stuff hangs pretty low. 64 percent man. Totten, 22-point manliness lead on Yon.
OK, I’ve got one. Vodkapundit. 90 percent stud. Manliest blogger out there who isn’t me.
One last. Don Surber is the guy who told me about that man-woman blogclock. And that gap-toothed cousin-lovin’ hillbilly is the only blogger I’ve found so far who’s more Paul Bunyon-like than I am.
Blair takes the news that he’s a sheila like a man, celebrates his feminine side.
Gateway is having trouble coming to terms with gender neutrality.
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 10:38 am on Friday, November 21, 2008
12 Responses to “Man Up”
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November 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
This is bullsh*t.
November 21st, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Greenwald? Sullivan? If I were Gateway, I’d demand a recount.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
[...] other bloggers don’t speak with quite as much distinction. Jules still has two points on me [...]
November 21st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
93% for me. The site looks pretty accurate from my end of things. I don’t know what your problem is, gateway.
November 21st, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Drink more moonshine, boy. It’ll put hair on your chest.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:41 am
Well, “gender analyzer” must be a gender biased when it comes to the promotion of American preponderance.
Result for American Power:
We think http://americanpowerblog.blogspot.com/ is written by a man (83%).
Bummer, really, I just f***ing detest Glenn Greenwald, er …, Rick Ellensburg.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 am
62% for me.
I think the Marine Corps might be a bit surprised. They thought that I was 100% lean green machine, come to think of it, I thought the same thing…
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Pikers. I’m not even trying and I’m 92% manly. Mrs. Lawhawk clearly approves.
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
That said, while I might write like the manliest of men, I’m nothing compared to Totten or Yon who’ve been places and seen stuff that I could barely begin to tolerate. I demand a recount on their behalf.
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 am
[...] But, apparently, started a meme. Manly (95%) Jules Crittenden does the US blogosphere on Nov 21 and is noticed by noted Australian metrosexual (72% female) Timmy Blair on the 23rd who [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:26 am
[...] Gender, Girly Things, Princesses Instapundit linked to a post by Gateway Pundit about Jules Crittenden running blogs through the Gender Analyzer. So, I thought that would be fun, to see if it could [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Ninety percent male myself, and me a delicate flower. Guess I’m just a macho delicate flower. :)