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Open Letter to Jello Biafra

Dear Jello,

You’re an adult now. Not like when you ran for mayor of San Francisco in 1979 and I cast my first vote for you, because I wasn’t quite an adult yet and neither were you, which is why your absurdist platform was so appealing.

Anyway, time to start using your real name. Like a grownup. That ’70s punk thing is over. Not that some good things didn’t come out of it. Your great hit, ”Holiday in Cambodia,” for example. You could use one.

Best,

Jules Crittenden

P.S. I hope the Obama regime lets you out of Guantanamo and restores your civil rights. How did you smuggle the letter out, anyway?

P.P.S. Everyone else, here’s Jello Biafra’s Open Letter to Barack Obama. I got a few paragraphs in and realized I was wasting my time. I should have realized that before I clicked into something called “An Open Letter From Jello Biafra” at Firedoglake, though I did learn that while I voted for Jello Biafra for kicks, that dingbat Hamsher actually worked on his campaign and is proud of it. That explains a lot. Still trying to figure out what the heck a firedoglake is, though. Is it about the irritating, wet yapping?

Topics: Guantanamo, clowns, moronocy, western civilization, yanqui imperialistas

  Posted by Jules Crittenden at 1:20 am on Wednesday, December 17, 2008

5 Responses to “Open Letter to Jello Biafra”

1. Americaneocon Says:
   December 17th, 2008 at 9:36 am

   Actually, California Uber Alles was my favorite, but you nailed it: Jello sure does need to grow up.

   Interesting is all the references to Europe: The easiest way to say “I hate America” is to make constant references to “what they do in Europe.”

2. skylights Says:
   December 17th, 2008 at 11:42 am

   If he used his real name, nobody would know who he was. I’m a fan, and I don’t know his real name, offhand.

3. skylights Says:
   December 17th, 2008 at 11:44 am

   Maybe saying “what they do in Europe” is just saying Europe does some things better. Because, you know, they do. We’re not perfect and we should grab any good ideas that come along.

4. RebeccaH Says:
   December 17th, 2008 at 9:11 pm

   Still trying to figure out what the heck a firedoglake is, though

   I’m always reminded of the mess a dog with a kidney infection makes. But that’s just me.

   Skylights, have you actually been to Europe? Great cathedrals. Small, cramped apartments. Superficially friendly people who are closet xenophobes. Unsustainable welfare societies that are killing off their demographic (except for the poor, uneducated, unassimilated immigrants). Perhaps you have examples of what they do better than we do.

5. Michael Lonie Says:
   December 17th, 2008 at 10:03 pm

   Well Rebecca, in France they generate some three quarters of their electrcity by nuclear power. I’ve always thought that this policy was a much better one than our policy of allowing stupid technophobes to destroy the nuke industry and force us to use coal instead, which the same idiots also want to get rid of., apparently in the belief that an economy can run on wood-burning stoves

   Also according to Mark Steyn French cheese made with unpasteurized milk is much better than American cheese, which he finds tasteless.

   Then there’s..um…er…let me get back to you about the rest, OK?

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