Hurl-Blogging The Inaugur-A-Palooza
Like every other international news network, major metro newspaper, wire service, 15-watt radio station, weekly shopper, blog, Twitter addict and zit-faced txt msgr out there, I’m gearing up for the Inauguration of the Century. I’m probably a little behind that curve, seeing as it’s a little more than a week away, but the great thing about liveblogging is, there isn’t much preparation required. Watch, free associate, rip off people who are actually working, link your pals, post.
But this is a little different. A truly profound upheaval on the American political scene is being brought up before our eyes. And despite years spent covering all kinds of revolting messes, I don’t think my stomach is quite up to it. Excuse me … hair-trigger gag reflex … I’m gonna have to live-vomit this one.
No, not the swearing-in and the wintery parade up Pennsylvania Avenue. Those are fine American traditions. I’m looking forward it. Something fundamental and historic for our nation and for the world to see. A black man elected president, taking office in yet another routine, peaceful transfer of power. With, no less, a high degree of cordial cooperation from the much-maligned prior administration.
It’s the non-routine part. I’m talking about the unprecedented Inaugur-a-palooza, the like of which has never been witnessed and is already becoming a source of wonderment in itself. The massive treacly hands-across-Americathon already winding up, to unfold for days ahead of, during and after the Messianic Ascension.
And if you’re already feeling a glottal twinge, like maybe your gorge is rising, too,, then this is the place you’ll want to be. Right here at www.julescrittenden.com, a.k.a. “Forward Movement,” to be redubbed “Upward Chuck” for the occasion. Because this is where we’ll tossing the honeyed pigeon eyeballs like a clutch of Roman proconsuls.
Let me be very clear about one thing. I expect this to be a bi-partisan chunderama, everyone on their best hurling behavior. No bile. The unfolding panoply should sooner or later begin to nauseate reasonable, rational people of taste of all stripes, and I expect to see everyone planting beets side by side nicely, like grownups. I think we can keep the politics out of it.
No disparagement of the president-elect intended. I’m happy for people who are happy about Obama’s election. I probably like Obama more at this point than a lot of people who voted for him, anyway, seeing as he’s abandoned his Iraq abandonment position, taking over key aspects of the Bush doctrine, whatever that is, backing off on his campaign promises and looking for a big fat tax cut. Meanwhile, he’s allowed Hillary Clinton to take over all the key chokepoints of his government, which promises to be good for many, many laughs over the next four years, as from time to time will Joe Biden, if he is ever allowed to say anything in public again.
About the racial aspect of the event, I’m glad our nation has reached this milestone. I hope it gets us past a lot of the racial bigotry that still plagues us, though I doubt it will. Al Sharpton still has bills to pay. I would have preferred that this great nation’s first black president actually be qualified for the post, but you never get everything that you want in politics, which is after all the place where hope, dreams and all that is good and possible in life collide with unavoidable realities, corruption, betrayal, cowardice and diminished expectations. If we didn’t all get the first black president we might have wanted, then we should accept that we got the first black president that we’re stuck with.
And as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not so disappointed that my own preferred candidate and his running mate lost. I don’t know about you, but after eight years of “Blah blah blah, Bush this, blah blah blah, Bush that,” I don’t mind being released from eight years of relentless Palin-bashing and the interminable McCain deathwatch. We also don’t have to listen to a bunch of whiny Euros who … when they aren’t busy bashing Paks, torching Turkish tenements, swastiking the local synagogue, and hosing down the car-b-ques … would be blathering on endlessly right now and for the next four decades or so about what racists Americans are.
Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to Obama’s big Inaug and the hurling part. Now that I think of it, Obama isn’t exactly blameless in this thing. It’s not like he didn’t encourage everyone to think he’s the second coming of Abraham Lincoln, FDR, JFK and MLK Jr. Then, he made plans to ride a train across half the country so everyone could come out, line the tracks and adore him.
Can you blame him for being a little vain? He is a pol, after all. What I expect will really bring my cookies up is the inescapable gushing. The chirpy hope-mongering. The gob-smacked, child-like wonder, from people who should know better. The constant googly-eyed assertions that, politically, racially, economically and otherwise, everything has changed in this nation, and that what we’re witnessing is not an inauguration but a blinding flash of divine grace. No one gushes quite like Americans, and no one gets sucked in quite like Americans, but no ones disgorges schmalz anything like American TV, which promises a heaveup of truly historic proportions in this case. Meanwhile, the grumbling consternation of the press — not favored with bold, stirring quotes of late, but not yet ready to turn on the anointed one their fawning acquiescence helped propel into office – is already being distracted by the shiny object that is his exaltation and will be quieted by the prospect of all the toweringly monumental, symbolically historic, unimaginably realized dream ledes they’ll get to write. Would this kind of awestruck wonderment have greeted the first black president if he were a Republican … or the next one, if he is? Dunno, hard to say. Look what they did to Clarence Thomas. Condoleezza Rice has always enjoyed a rather unenthused, matter-of-fact treatment in the press, despite her unusual status as a major player on the international stage who is a highly accomplished black woman. On the other hand, they loved Colin Powell. Especially after he turned on the Republicans.
The shameless commercialism that’s already in full swing is refreshingly honest by comparison. It’s a point-of-purchase cash or credit card affair. It doesn’t ask you to buy into the abovementioned competitive media worshipfulness. The transaction is based on the premise that you already have and now you just need to pay for it.
The other part I’m looking forward to is when they try to cram 2 million extra people into DC. To include large numbers of America’s most unhinged lefty wackos and G8-protesting anarchist skateboard punks. Anyone with any sense should know enough to steer clear of that crowd, so it could be a bust, but then we are talking about the cliff’s edge of one of the biggest lemming runs in American history, so don’t count on it. Jan. 20, 2009 in DC has all the makings of a major fiasco. The news reports already sound a lot like Katrina crossing the Gulf of Mexico. Panic, don’t panic. Maybe more like the invasion of Iraq. No, that was pretty orderly. And this time, unlike Iraq, they’re already expecting a debacle and they’re still planning to pack the place, anyway. I hope no one gets hurt. But whatever happens, don’t worry, it’ll be Bush’s fault.
OK, important Inaug roundup starts with the Boston Herald’s fun guide to Obamaschlock, The Wide World of Obama Kitsch, before kicking off the serious coverage with the doomed Seattle PI’s last supper, a sick-making banquet of Obamadortion that suggests maybe that newspaper isn’t dying of strangulation, but of food poisoning:
Seattle PI: Inauguration 2009: High Hopes for Everyone to be Energized
Seattle PI: Inauguration 2009: Kennedy Hopes Reborn
Seattle PI: Inaugural Dress Rehearsal for History
UK Guardian: Tell Us Your Obama Inauguration Story!
NYT: (Unintentional Irony Alert) Hail to the Faux Chief We Have Chosen as Dress Rehearsal Stand-In
Newsday: HBO secures rights to Inaug opening ceremony at the Lincoln Memorial.
NYT: Disney gets rights to Inaug events, including Obama’s first stop, the Neighborhood Ball.
Hollywood Reporter: ABC going wall-to-wall for Inaug
UK Independent: Obama’s Inaug, the Hottest Ticket in US History. This one’s worth an excerpt:
At least in this great country of theirs (as they like to call it) the inauguration of a president is relatively swift, because we know how interminable everything else about the process is: the primaries, the election campaign, the transition …
But wait: examine more closely and they have contrived even to make the inauguration last longer than it should …
For the Obama folk, planning the inauguration has been a tug-of-war between humble and grandiose.
Guess which won. Meanwhile, look who wants in:
AFP: NKorea offers envoy for Obama Inaug
AsiaOne: Washington set for a fairy tale whirl of Inaug balls
Pop Crunch: MTV’s “Be The Change” Inaug Ball, Ronald Reagan Building
MTV.com: Tim Kash’s countdown to Kenya starts with a little pain
National Post: Call it Inauguration 2.0 ( … or tweet it #inaug09)
ABC: Few tickets, long lines for Inaug balls
MSNBC: Win a trip to the Inaug!
CBS: Obama email pushes for Inaug donations … “I know we’ve asked a lot of you,” signed “Barack”
NPR For Inaug, donations don’t gush like they used to
NME: Sting confirmed. Springsteen, Babs, Stevie Wonder rumored … say it ain’t so, Elvis Costello
EOnline: Jay-Z, Miley providing Inaug soundtrack
Gay Wired: Lesbian Couple to Board Obama’s Train
AP: Amtrak prepares for crowds along train’s route
DC Examiner: Bridge and road closure threatens massive gridlock
Globe and Mail: DC residents flee ahead of Inaug chaos
NYT: Ban on strollers for the Inaug.
Newsday: Local groups suspend plans to attend the Inaug
USA Today: DC subway braces for Inaug Day crush
CNN: Inaug may be traffic, security nightmare
AP: Feds say Inaug attractive terrorist target
CBS: DHS, no credible Inaug threat
WSJ Inaug Watch: Taking cover at the Smithsonian
Salt Lake Trib: Keep God in Inaug … Atheists Sue, Utah’s AG joins opposition to DC Lawsuit
Easier.com Travel: Say “Inauguration” at The Phillips Collection admissions desk during the entire month of January and receive two-for-one admission.
That last one sounds fun. If businesses everywhere did that, I could start to work up a little more Inaugurenthusiasm myself. OK, if you plan on venturing into the disaster zone, or even if you’re just sitting on your couch watching it, you’ll need to gear up. Buy your exciting Obama stuff at any one of these many real, official Inauguration merchandizers:
Democrat HQ, your Inauguration superstore
Official 2009 Presidential Inauguration Store … looks like that one might actually be official, either that or they’ve got a great donation scam going.
There’s also some boring stuff on sale at barackobama.com … looks like that place got whacked by the economy, everything’s 50 percent off.
Screw, I’m getting in on this. Get your Obamiana here.
OK, that’s as much as I can manage right now. Sorry. Gotta go blow chunks. Which is pretty much how I expect to spend the Inaugur-a-palooza, however long it lasts. In full throttle, boot-splattering hurl. The old Technicolor yawn. Laughing at the ground. Barking at ants. Driving the porcelain bus. Talking to God on the Big White Phone. Reviewing the luncheon menu. Experiencing a sudden reversal of fortune. Filing a taxing return. Summoning Ralph. Calling “Earl!” Shouting “Europe!!!”
S.U.R.B.E.R. takes the high road.
Meanwhile, this is just hurtful.
UPDATES:
Kristol at NYT re Obama’s historic dog choice and other developments.
Hot Air’s wallet-check warning: Obama, We’re all going to have to sacrifice for the Greater Good.
JFK Presidential Library: “Hurl with us!” OK, that’s not exactly what they said …
And what could be more obnoxious than watching what one journo pal of mine is refering to as the “longest running ass-kiss in history” in French? TV5Monde is planning a two-hour special, with commentary from Paris! Hmmm … so they gonna gush Gallicly with lots of oo la las or feign boredom while smoking Gauloises? You know, that’s starting to sound pretty good. OK, TV5Monde goes to the top of the Inaugural channel-surfing list.
Welcome Surberistas, Theo Sparkites, Malkinistas, Bloodthirsty Libs, etal. Always so good to see you. You know about Bush tormenting kittens and pulling the legs off ants, right? Great news … we’re getting the Internet to ourselves! Hey, remember when England was willing to fight her enemies on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields and in the streets, in the hills, and never surrender?
Next up:
Hurl-Blogging the Inaugur-a-palooza, Reflux
Hurl-Blogging the Inaugur-a-palooza, Iranian Edition
Power-Outage Blogging the Inaugur-a-palooza
Topics: Obama, shameless opportunism
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 9:34 am on Monday, January 12, 2009
5 Responses to “Hurl-Blogging The Inaugur-A-Palooza”
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January 12th, 2009 at 11:52 am
[...] me, Jules Crittenden is expecting to lose his lunch on January 20th: I’m talking about the unprecedented Inaugur-a-palooza, the like of which has [...]
January 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
You bring a smile to my face, Crittenden, but then you usually do. I’ll definitely check in on your horkfest Inauguration Day, but otherwise I’ll probably be ignoring the festivities, having, you know, useful things to do.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
[...] Hurl-Blogging The Inaugur-A-Palooza Like every other international news network, major metro newspaper, wire service, 15-watt radio station, weekly shopper, blog, Twitter addict and zit-faced txt msgr out there, I’m gearing up for the Inauguration of the Century. I’m probably a little behind that curve, seeing as it’s a little more than a week away, but the great thing about liveblogging is, there isn’t much preparation required. Watch, free associate, rip off people who are actually working, link your pals, post. [...]
January 13th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Jules!
You definitely need to add this column from James Pethokoukis to the Hurlathon, if only for the opening line:
January 13th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Oh wait, it gets better! Deep into paragraph #2, Pethokoukis blurts out: “Let the wretching begin, Daily Kossacks.” We’re talking an ecumenical universe of hurling here, on top of a world of hurt.