American Gladiator Reality Oscars
Unfortunately, that is not what we saw.
Having watched the Oscars periodically over the years, having seen several of the movies that were nominated, as well as others that weren’t, and having chosen at the last minute to see an action flick at my 13-year-old son’s suggestion instead of last night’s Best Picture winner, I think I’m qualified to talk about the deep malaise that has settled around the Oscars with some authority.
Here’s the news as of this morning: A limp celebration of Slumdog’s half-sweep, barely rates a presence on Drudge. Big Hollywood, at last check, doesn’t even seem to want to talk about it this morning, quickly averting its eyes to DC for some semi-professional acting and trainwreck entertainment. Reynolds gives it a nod, linking to a “Best and Worst Moments” post, but doesn’t appear to have actually watched nor care much that he didn’t. The expectation was the Oscars would tank in the ratings. I’m looking around for any indicators of actual viewership. Let me know if you found any. But for now, I’m approaching this project from a position of as much ignorance as possible, on the theory that it helps me maintain my journalistic purity and is the best way to stay plugged into the national lumpengestalt.
Here’s what I think: That show last night was like a St. Vitus dance by a plastic surgery addicted dowager who’s misplaced her reading glasses and keeps forgetting which decade she’s in. She was in constant danger of popping out of the front of her elaborate napkin-arrangement designer dress, a prospect that only filled viewers with horror. The presentation skitlets weren’t even as good as bad SNL. More like bad high school talent show. Forget salvaging it. Junk it. The whole “Oscar” franchise, in this day and age, has become a little small, dowdy and dated. Even the statues look like they’re from another century, which they are. The whole thing reminds me of newspapers. A litte too self-referential, under the impression that what they do is a great mystery and that they as the unassailable high priests have a lock on the secret, yet painfully aware that it’s slipping away, scrambling desperately to keep from sliding off the roof.
So here’s my suggestion. At least for one season, kind of like Coke, when they took it away in the 1980s, they need to lose the Oscars. Fire up something bigger. Maybe get that Brit ex-commando who did the Survivor thing, or a randomly chosen zit-faced snowboarder, I dunno, someone like that. We all know there is a lot of eye-scratching, backstabbing and groveling that goes on. We need to see more of it. It needs to be brought into the open and subjected to snark. Not the gentle ha ha ha risque host kind. The cutting, mercilessly professional Simon Cowell kind, with Colisseum-like thumbsup/thumbsdown powers of execution. But maybe more extreme than that. No one currently associated with the movie industry can serve in more than an advisory role in the management of this production, and it’s worth considering dangling cages above the stage for them. They need to scour the land for the most sharp-tongued unknowns with fright hair and personality disorders they can find to serve as members of the Academy, and their selection process will be played out over several weeks, assisted by 900 phone-in voting. America, we have seen, wants to see naked competition, humiliation, and triumph. If the unworthy are going to be exalted, we need to see them claw their way into contention. American Gladiator Reality Oscars is the direction we’re headed in, but it also needs a bigger name, something outside the box. Could be something as simple as, “We Trashed The Oscars.”
(Think I’m pandering, going for cheap laughs? Just ask the Writers Guild. They know the score. via Protein Wisdom, channeling Big Hollywood: “Everyone in this country wants to watch American Idol and nobody wants to watch what we write. When did America get so stupid?” I think I’m going to steer clear of the bitter irony of anyone in Hollywood uttering that plaintive whine.)
Categories need to better reflect reality. For starters, genres. They’re already doing it in a snooty, arm’s length, nose-holding white-gloved thumb and forefinger kind of way. Everyone knows the technical awards are where sci-fi and action flicks get their nods. Dragging out Daniel Craig gets you nowhere if you don’t have a category for “Best Car Chase.” Dragging out the “High School Musical” guy doesn’t get you very far unless you have a category for “Best Teensploitation Flick.” As long as they have to have technical, behind-the-scenes kinds of awards, I wouldn’t mind seeing a “Best Agent” category. That could get interesting. “Best Product Placement” could recognize courtesan-like subtlety and artistry as opposed to the sort of blatant Tom Hanks streetwalking commercialism we’ve been subjected to. Also, if they really want to recapture America’s heart, they need a “Best YouTube Vid” category. Maybe even dig deep for “Best Txt Msg Vid.” The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences might blanche at the prospect, but the fact is, with categories like “Best Foreign Short” and “Best Documentary” and that kind of thing, they already are wasting time on all kinds of home movie projects viewed by orders of magnitude fewer people than your average YouTube hit.
Anti-Oscars: Hot Air wants readers to weigh in on the “Worst movie of all time.” Now there’s a category that could help pump life into that sorry extravaganza.
Next year’s third-world hit could come out of Gaza. Here’s Jawa with what sounds like a Monty Python script, but don’t laugh, this is dead serious: “The Miracle of Gaza; White Uniformed Forces Appeared In Gaza.” Mystery warriors for Hamas terrorized the IDF. No really, it’s not funny. They are the righteous risen souls of previously splattered terrorists. It really happened.
OK, I’ve already wasted more time on this Academy business than any of it is worth. About the actual big winners? A child-molesting Nazi portrayal by the insufferable Kate Winslet and predictably in the year of Proposition 8, the admittedly obnoxious Sean Penn’s “Milk.” ”Slumdog,” they say it’s pretty good. I liked seeing third-worlders exalted on raw talent, if that’s in fact what happened, though they rode in on the coattails of that “Train Spotting” guy. Still need to see that thing. Why not bypass the middle man with a “Bollywood” category?
Whatever. Breitbart in the Washington Times takes a serious look at the politics of the game and notes that, even if people aren’t watching the Oscars, Hollywood still has a thumb on the political scale and how many eyeballs you can attract. Ace this morning is celebrating Penn’s naked, in assholo veritas exultation, “You commie homo-loving sons of guns.” Another quote of the week from Dan Collins at PW: “I knew it … The Oscars were once again all about scumbag millionaires.”
My own “Best Picture” choice in the dinosaur entertainment industry? “Defiance.” It was actually about something real. It was about a life and death struggle against true evil. No frills. Just death and stark choices as they actually unfolded, much as real people sometimes still face them today. Babes in the woods, reliant on rough thugs, a lot like most of Hollywood would be if the jihadis they keep weeping over won. An ominous example of where you end up if you aren’t paying attention and rely on the good intentions of bad people for your security. Also, some good ultra-violence on Nazis and Nazi sympathizers, with the good guys, barely and against the odds, winning.
Topics: Hollywood
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 8:41 am Comments (3) on Monday, February 23, 2009
3 Responses to “American Gladiator Reality Oscars”
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February 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
[...] Here’s Jules’s critique of the thing: Here’s what I think: That show last night was like a St. Vitus dance by a plastic surgery addicted dowager who’s misplaced her reading glasses and keeps forgetting which decade she’s in. She was in constant danger of popping out of the front of her elaborate napkin-arrangement designer dress, a prospect that only filled viewers with horror. The presentation skitlets weren’t even as good as bad SNL. More like bad high school talent show. Forget salvaging it. Junk it. The whole “Oscar” franchise, in this day and age, has become a little small, dowdy and dated. Even the statues look like they’re from another century, which they are. The whole thing reminds me of newspapers. A litte too self-referential, under the impression that what they do is a great mystery and that they as the unassailable high priests have a lock on the secret, yet painfully aware that it’s slipping away, scrambling desperately to keep from sliding off the roof. [...]
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Slumdog Millionaire isn’t characteristic of the “dinosaur” Hollywood industry: it is a low-budget British film with a mostly Indian cast that, ahd Warner Bros had its way, would have gone straight to DVD. Instead, it is one of the better movies made this century, with a terrific story and screenplay, extremely good editing, excellent child actors, and some of the best scores and music I have seen in a movie. It is funny you talk down from your pedestral and complain about an award given to a movie you never bothered watching.
And BTW, Slumdog undermines Old Hollywood – it bypassed the traditional Hollywood route. Even the story would be unthinkable for traditional Hollywood (compare with Memoirs of a Geisha, which was horrendous by comparison).
As for Defiance – it was a good story, undermined by horrible film making (the screenplay was extremely annoying – must the dialogue constantly state the obvious?). The Academy Awards, for all its flaws, is supposed to reward good film making, not just nice stories you happen to like. And Defiance is hardly going against the Hollywood grain – the director, producer, and heck, actors. Slumdog on the other hand was a extremely well-made movie on a budget a fraction of Defiance, with no veteran Hollywood actors.
Lastly, on your criticism on the categories – again, the Academy is meant to acknowledge quality in film making, not audience or popularity. And there isn’t a Best Foreign Short – there is Best Foreign Language, Best Live Action Short, Best Animated Short, and Best Documentary Short.
As for the Oscars viewership – despite the fact I was rooting for Wall-E (which deserved a Best Picture nomination), Benjamin Button, and Waltz with Bashir, in addition to Slumdog, I didn’t bother tuning in. Its boring. I’m only interested in the results, not the show.
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
“a plastic surgery addicted dowager who’s misplaced her reading glasses and keeps forgetting which decade she’s in. She was in constant danger of popping out of the front of her elaborate napkin-arrangement designer dress, a prospect that only filled viewers with horror.”
Who is Nancy Pelosi?