Hell Hath No Fury
Turns out great minds think alike … sort of. Yesterday, it was former Edwards speechwriter Wendy Button earnestly wishing John Edwards would put this paternity thing past him so he could re-emerge as America’s great Champion of the Poor! Never mind the wretched poverty of character.
Today, that great American supermarket tabloid, The National Enquirer,* brings news that the other woman wants to resolve the paternity issue, too. And Rielle Hunter’s ready to sue!
I love America. This is such a great country. Apparently Rielle’s tired of waiting for John Edwards to do the right thing. You know, abandon the cancer-ridden wife he cheated on, who just trashed Rielle in her husband-forgiving tell-all. Hang on, abandoning the cancer-ridden wife doesn’t sound quite right. Acknowledging fatherhood sounds like it could be a step in the right direction, but these are not simple issues. See multiple-choice moral stumper of the day below.
Good Lord, I just realized, there must be DNA samples lying around chi-chi unisex salons and green rooms across the nation.
By the way, yesterday’s moral stumper is still open for discussion. If a wealthy, narcissistic, opportunistic, parasitic bounder stops talking about poverty, are we richer or poorer for it? Essay question.
Today, we add a new one. Multiple choice, so its easier. When a wealthy, narcissistic, opportunistic, parasitic bounder has cheated on his cancer-ridden wife, the right thing to do is:
(A) Stand by her.
(B) Agree to a paternity test to help resolve the fatherhood of an innocent child.
(C) Stand by her and agree to a paternity test to help resolve the fatherhood of an innocent child.
(D) Don’t do anything (else) that might pose a risk of nasty divorce proceedings and loss of access to half one’s own wealth, while also looking bad, when the other party will theoretically be dead soon. Then party! After a discreet interval. Also, remember to keep telling the other party repeatedly on her deathbed that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
(E) Don’t do anything (else) that might pose a risk of nasty divorce proceedings and loss of access to half one’s own wealth, while also looking bad, when the other party will be dead soon. Then party! Meanwhile, continue to resist all efforts to determine potentially embarrassing, expensive paternity.
(F) (E) and preen.
Surber: Who’s your daddy?
* People like to sneer at tabloids. Especially the supermarket variety. As a career tabloidist, I’ve had to deal with a lot of naked anti-tabloidism over the years. It’s ugly. The National Enquirer in this and other cases has shown itself to be an important part of the national dialogue. I’d like to point out that this key sector of the news industry is not immune to the pressures now threatening a lot of so-called “mainstream” outlets. The Weekly World News, which brought us exclusives on the Alien’s presidential endorsements for years, is now web only. Latest Alien endorsement here, speaking of people who cheat on their cancer-ridden wives.
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 10:23 am on Thursday, May 7, 2009
2 Responses to “Hell Hath No Fury”
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May 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
A real man would go for (C). I expect Edwards will go for (F).
May 7th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I agree… E & F.
He’s a professional ambulance chaser, and all around cad. What else would you expect from that sort?