Fourth of Old Blighty
Happy Fourth! Just back from taking the kids to get clams and hotdogs at Sullivan’s at Castle Island and watch the USS Constitution’s turnaround. BOOM! Unfortunately, due to budget cuts or something like that, the old girl didn’t make it past Rowe’s Wharf, and no BOOM! So the view was not this good.
A Brit pal … I’ll call him “Basil” … spent several years living and working in the United States, but due to some conflict between his family situation and his immigration status, and against my advice that he was climbing the wrong way back up the evolutionary tree, he opted to return to the U.K. I told him it was like wanting to start knuckle-walking again once you’ve mastered bipedalism. He wouldn’t listen.
But Basil was greatly impressed by the United States in his time here.
He observed that we fly American flags all year here, for no apparent reason. I explained it’s because we’re so grateful our ancestors left wherever they came from so we could be born here, and basically just because it is so great here. I thought he was going to sneer, but he said he kind of liked it. “You know where you are.” I said yeah, that’s how we feel about it.
Basil asked about the small things, like tipping. “I say, why do you pay someone extra just to do their job?” I explained that waiters typically make less than minimum wage, and tips are part of their compensation by design. He thought that was “frightful.” So I asked him what he thought about the American dining experience … portions, quality, promptness and attitude.
“It’s fantastic!” Basil said, gushing about some recent meal he and Mrs. Basil had enjoyed at some cookie-cutter national family dining chain, the kind you find around a mall. And its British equivalent?
“Bloody awful!” Basil said, making a face as he recalled a repast of boot leather tossed on a plate with a scowl, eventually, with the cook loudly griping in the kitchen ”Wot’s their fooking roosh?” when aggressively inoffensive friend Basil had politely inquired after his missing dinner. I explained the social philosophy and economic policy of the incentive system. It was like watching a little light go on in his head.
But another time, Basil reported with horror that he actually overheard an old geezer telling a young fella at the mall, “The United States military is the greatest force for peace and freedom the world has ever seen.”
“Yeah, isn’t it great?” I told Basil. I explained to him that America was the crucible in which the best of English thought on individual rights and free enterprise had been proven, and that Americans had unselfishly made these wonderful things available to the world at no insignificant cost of American blood and money, liberating without conquering, protecting without levying. In fact, America was the only place most of those things … things like free speech … could stilll be found, though not unchallenged even here by the kind of political correctitude that never stops screaming racism and sexism, then kowtows to Sharia law.
Basil conceded some of those points, but couldn’t quite wrap his head around the concept of military force as a vehicle of peace and freedom.
Still, all of it must have had some impact. From Hurl-Upon-Slime, or whatever the name of that place he ended up is, here’s Basil:
Thought you might like to know we’re celebrating the Fourth of July this year. I’m cooking up some pulled pork, based on a wicked recipe from an American friend of mine, and I’ll be making my own burgers. We will, however, be using Lincolnshire sausages as you simply can’t get Italian sausages this far north in England.
Anyway, I hope things are good in Obamaland.
Crit:
Sounds like a small corner of a foreign field that will be forever American-influenced. You might try to buy hotdogs online. Hebrew National are good. Kosher … along with the pulled pork that should keep the mullahs at bay.
All good over here. Still America last time I checked.
Crit, several days later:
Still moved, all misty-eyed about your 4th observance. The Fourth of July is such a wonderful holiday. It’s a lot like Guy Fawkes Day. Only instead of being about burning a traitor at the stake from some old religious war, it’s about getting the heck away from all that!
This is a great opportunity for you to tell all your Brit pals how great America is, that we fly flags all year because we are so grateful our ancestors left wherever they came from so we could be born here, and that this holiday marks the day, July 4 1776, on which great British ideals of personal freedom and democracy were advanced in this great country, founded by Englishmen who had dispensed with all the forelock tugging and snooty class nonsense, and also introduced the great incentive system we call “tipping.”
Basil:
Over here, we celebrate July 4th as the day we got rid of that pesky troublemaking colony!
That said, had we known what you guys could do with meat, we’d have never let you go!
With that in mind, do you have a top burger recipe or any other 4th menu tips you could furnish me with?
I’ll doff my flat cap to the US military on July 4th if it makes you feel better as my liberal friends and I bemoan the world’s greatest invasion force…. (heh heh heh)
Anyway, hope you can help solve my culinary conundrum.
Yours with a stiff upper lip,
Basil
Crit:
Well, you could raise a glass and say, “Thanks, Yanks, that we don’t have to speak German!”
American Fourth of July cuisine is pretty simple.
Best thing to do with burgers is just plain lean ground beef. Wholesome, straightforward, earnest, a little boring, just like us!Otherwise, you need plain white buns. tomato slices. lettuce. pickles. yellow mustard. mayo. ketchup. White cheese to melt on just before you take them off the grill if people want cheeseburgers. Closest to the American ingredients you can find. They must have a specialty American cuisine shop in London. Pick up some wretched American pisswater like Budweiser while you’re there. Though if you have any of that “near beer” stuff you start the toddlers on, that would do.
Potato salad. Pretty simple. Boil the potatoes (I know you know how to boil a potato), mix with mayo, dill, vinegar, salt and pepper, that kind of thing.Mac’n'cheese. You may need to go to the Yank food shop in London for that.
Garden salad, plain. Lettuce, tomates, cukes. With some dressing out of a bottle. You guys have iceberg lettuce over there? That wilty funny-colored Euro stuff is no good.
Potato chips. American ones. Not to be confused with what we call “French fries.” See if that American cuisine emporium has something called “Ruffles,” or at least “Pringles.” You know those were invented by NASA for the space shuttle, right? God, I love this country.I’d suggest a big pot of chili, but where the heck are you going to find ground beef that won’t give you Mad Cow disease?
Paper plates. Thanks to the Internet (another of our great gifts to the world), you can probably order a fine assortment of stuff with stars and stripes and eagles all over it.I’d suggest for fun you make at least one grotesque oversized multilayer triple patty bacon cheeseburger, with ranch dressing or something like that on it. Whichever one of your pals has the worst fake American accent has to eat it.
For dessert, seeing as you probably can’t get fresh blueberries and raspberries over there for the standard “Country Living” cover American flag cake, I’d suggest Jello. Red and blue, with vanilla ice cream. Very American. Also, here’s a traditional favorite, some lime Jello, in a mold, with canned pineapple chunks in it.
Music, I’d suggest a medley of Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi, Pat Benetar, Bruce Springsteen. All the really bad stuff. You probably want to have a Rambo-thon on vid. “Red Dawn” is pretty good, too. It’s a documentary about hometown American boys fighting off an combined Russky-Nicaraguan commie invasion. It happened in the 1980s.
Basil:
Thanks for the suggestions, old bean! I actually like the sound of that three-patty meat fest - so will be making that I think! For music, I’m thinking Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, the Eagles and Green Day.
Crit:
If you really have to go “Green,” I’d suggest you download some Lee Greenwood, I think that’s his name, “I’m Proud to be an American.” Embarrassingly bad country pop anthem. Your guests should enjoy singing along once drunk, if they didn’t already arrive in that condition. Also, Toby Keith. And lots of Dolly Parton.
You should also encourage your guests to dress, talk and behave like Americans. Loud. Bumping into things a lot. Have everybody address each other as ”Joe” or “Earl.” ”Bob” is good too, but you have to pronounce it “Baaab.” Like “Hey Baaaab, get me another Bud while yer up, will ya?” … and that’s “while” not “whilst” …For the women, just add “Jo” to whatever Brit name they already have. “Vanessa Jo” will be a little weird, but it’ll do. The best thing is for everyone to just pretend they’re George Bush, kind of goofy, ineptly invading everything. The women should have gum, and snap it a lot. Speaking of Dolly Parton, the women should basically model themselves on her. I know you pretty much only got to see Boston … which is sort of like a slightly healthier Britain, only with slightly less socialism and a more ridiculously misbehaving local dynasty still running the place … but in the rest of the country, that’s what most American women are like. It’s great!Prizes for the Ugliest American, Loudest American, Stupidest American, Best Britney Spears, Best Dick Cheney, etc. Videotape the thing, and put it on YouTube. It could be a big hit.
Basil:
Jolly good. I’ll turn them all into proper Yanks! Would you advise breaking wind or burping?
Crit:
Both! A lot. And everyone should stuff pillows in their pants for added authenticity, though from what I’ve heard about Britain lately, it might not be necessary. Also, they probably should all try to shower, use soap, before they come over, though I guess that’s optional.
I assume the European Union has outlawed fireworks, much like Massachusetts. Too much fun. Now, what do you have for firearms?
OK, that’s not exactly how our email exchange went, but it’s not far off.
Riehl’s celebrating July 4, 1775. Gen. Washington’s general orders.
Powerline fast forwards to 1858, Douglas and Lincoln, for the eternal meaning of the Fourth.
Volokh Conspiracy on the 5th of July: Frederick Douglas’ 1852 gentle reminder.
Reynolds, with photos, on how some people are spending the Fourth. Protesting.
Hyscience with the presidential speech he’d rather have heard. John McCain’s.
HotAir has a Fourth vid roundup and your Declaration of Independence. It’s a good read, especially if you’re one of Darleen Click’s sorry group of civic illiterates … which I’m guessing you aren’t. (No, not her illiterates. The ones she’s bemoaning. Click’s got more good civic reading).
Malkin has the Nork of July … Kim’s holiday fireworks … and notes how some other Americans are spending the day. In combat. And hee’s Mudville with the Fourth in Baghdad.
In other international news, Gateway on some people who could use a Declaration of Independence, from their own homegrown oppressors.
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 5:01 pm on Saturday, July 4, 2009
7 Responses to “Fourth of Old Blighty”
Leave a Reply
Trackback URLYou must be logged in to post a comment.
July 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
You didn’t really advise them to drink Budweiser, did you? Because that’s just mean.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I think it’s hilarious that you told him to assume characters. Ten years from now, legions of Britons will be dressing in country-western costume for July 4th, and we will know whose idea it was.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Culinary advice: It may not be worth much, but it didn’t cost you anything.
- When grilling, put a quarter teaspoon of onion powder and an eighth of pepper in each burger. It sounds like a lot, but try it once. Add salt and garlic powder to your liking. I don’t like to say ‘you won’t be disappointed’ because it sounds so negative. So let me say ‘you will be appointed’.
July 5th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I’m sure there must be a really good reason you left out the watermelon and the seed-spitting, but darned if I can think of one.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am
This “Basil” thing is probably going to be the introduction to a book I’m thinking about writing for an overseas audience: “Death To America In The Age Of Obama: How To Mock Americans While Liking Them Better.” Something like that. Sequel to the book I was thinking of writing during the Bush years. “America Envy: Ours Is Bigger Than Yours Is, And Chicks Dig Us.”
July 6th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Ah yes… England! Where every young man can dream of becoming a queen!
July 6th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I’d suggest for fun you make at least one grotesque oversized multilayer triple patty bacon cheeseburger, with ranch dressing or something like that on it. Whichever one of your pals has the worst fake American accent has to eat it.
That is the most hilarious idea I’ve ever heard attached to this, our noisiest holiday! I’m gonna do the same. And I live in California.
“I’m Proud to be an American.” Embarrassingly bad country pop anthem.
Fair enough. But I once performed it for a USMC training depot… Dayum. I barely made it to the end! I’m a big, patriotic sap to begin with, but geez. That was one moving experience. Oo freakin’ rah, boys!