The Biden Option
Defense Ministry command bunker, deep under Tel Aviv:
Bibi: … the vice president of the United States said chwhat?
Ehud: Well, Bibi, according to the New York Times, Joe Biden said if we want to chwhack Iran, that’s our business.
Bibi: This is the big chgreen light, right? ChGood news.
Ehud: Not exactly … here’s Shlomo from Mossad. He’ll exchplain.
Bibi: Shalom, Shlomo. So chwhat’s the deal? Biden says we can chwhack the mullahs.
Shlomo from Mossad: Well, Mr. Prime Minister, as the New ChYork Times notes, Mr. Biden has a chhistory of saying bizarre things that do not reflect the position of the American administration. I chquote:
The remarks went beyond at least the spirit of any public utterances by President Barack Obama, who has said that diplomatic efforts to halt Iran’s nuclear program should be given to the end of the year. But the president has also said that he is “not reconciled” to the possibility of Iran possessing a nuclear weapon — a goal Tehran denies.
Mr. Biden’s comments came at a particularly sensitive time, amid the continuing tumult over the disputed Iranian elections, and seemed to risk handing a besieged President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a new tool with which to fan nationalist sentiments in Iran.
What was not immediately clear was whether Mr. Biden, who has a long-standing reputation for speaking volubly — and sometimes going too far in the heat of the moment — was sending an officially sanctioned message.
The Obama administration has said, and Mr. Biden reaffirmed this, that it remains open to negotiations with Tehran, even after the bitterly contested election that returned Mr. Ahmadinejad to the presidency.
“If the Iranians respond to the offer of engagement, we will engage,” Mr. Biden said. “The offer’s on the table.”
Bibi: Chwhat’s so chhard to understand? We’re chhappy to talkch, but all chterrorism must end. No mercy for chterrorists. Peace chthrough airstrikes. What chcould be simpler? It is exactly our position!
Shlomo: It’s not that simple, Mr. Prime Minister. Mr. Biden is a bit of a loose chcannon. It may be he just made this up because he chthought it was what Mr. Stephanopoulos wanted to hear. As you know we maintain informal chchannels very high within the U.S. administration, as usual, however, we have so far failed to develop a full understanding of what happens under the vice-president’s combover.
Bibi: Combover? ChHah! Don’t make me laugh! That one has girly hairplugs! … So you don’t think this is the chcarrot and stick? What else do they say?
Shlomo from Mossad:
If Mr. Biden’s comments on Israel and Iran were perhaps off the cuff, he did not back away from them when given a chance to do so.
George Stephanopoulos, the program’s host, asked: “But just to be clear here, if the Israelis decide Iran is an existential threat, they have to take out the nuclear program, militarily the United States will not stand in the way?”
And Mr. Biden replied: “Look, we cannot dictate to another sovereign nation what they can and cannot do when they make a determination — if they make a determination — that they’re existentially threatened and their survival is threatened by another country.”
Bibi: Chsounds pretty unambichguous.
Shlomo from Mossad: Best chcase scenario, Mr. Prime Minister, this is an exchtreme chcase of ChCYA.
Bibi and Ehud: ChHuh?
Shlomo from Mossad: Well, sir, we judge that the Obama administration’s main foreign policy priority has been to be better liked, but Mr. Obama has repeatedly encountered diffichculties when faced with reality. Guantanamo cannot simply be emptied, the chharsh interrogation methods cannot simply be dismissed, the Global War on ChTerrorism must still be fought, the mullahs in ChTehran are homicidal maniacs who cannot be chtrusted and also have made chhim look bad. We think that by having Mr. Biden blurt out something to Mr. Stephanopoulos, the administration might in fact be signalling they do in fact want us to chsolve this problem for chthem, they simply do not chwant any responsibility. We thought this might happen. We call it The Biden Option. It is the ultimate in deniability. We chwhack ChTehran’s nuchkes, and Washington denounces us, announces the Iranian nuclear threat chhas been regrettably removed, declares solidarity with chthird-world dictatorships everywhere, and blames it all on a big chgoofy blunder by Mr. Biden.
Bibi: ChHmmm. ChGutless … but brilliant. I chthink.
Shlomo from Mossad: Yes, we chthink we chthink so, too.
Bibi: So, chwe are on our own.
Shlomo from Mossad: As usual, sir.
Posted by Jules Crittenden at 9:37 am on Monday, July 6, 2009
9 Responses to “The Biden Option”
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:32 am
A U.S decision to allow its proxy to attack Iran could well prove to be the start of WWIII and the worst foreign policy error of the 21st century. Once those ICBMs are fired from Israel, with or without nuclear warheads, then, arguably, everyone living today will suffer the consequences.
From Alaska to Mexico and from London to Oman and Karachi – the world will have years to reflect on our stupidity and the arrogance of our elected representatives.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
An Israeli decision to preemptively defend itself against an enemy that has plainly stated its desire to wipe Israel and every last Jew off the planet, yes, could very well be the start of WWIII. So could doing nothing and allowing said enemy to accomplish its desire, and to then use nuclear blackmail to pursue its also plainly stated desire to establish a world wide caliphate.
On the other hand, hitting the Iranians where it hurts (which would please a lot of Sunni Arabs), could also force them to back down. There are no guarantees to anything.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Joe Biden, To Iran with Love:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fattybolger/3694244465/
July 6th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Iran’s response to an unprovoked attack, will be to close the Straits of Homuz meaning the price of oil globally will double or quadruple; stock markets around the world will crash; Iranian cells in the US and Europe will activate; Iran will fire long-range missiles at Israel; Israel will retaliate with a nuclear strike and the entire Middle East will be contaminated including the UAE, Oman, Qatar and Saudi Arabia. The subsequent consequences are anybody’s guess - but the world will never be the same again and every family, everywhere, will have to bear the cost of scarce oil, sky-high prices and falling investment values.
then add to this scenario the massive loss of life.
All this because one man indulged in rhetoric! What do you believe the attitude of the international community will be to the party who initiates this frightening new conflict?
July 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Ya know? I sure wish I had COLINDALE’s vast ability to forecast with such clarity precisely how the mullahs will react to any middle eastern development.
I’ll just bet that I could parley such expertise into millions, if not billions, of dollars. I mean, just think of all the expensive contingency planning that would no longer necessary.
This guy has gotta be filthy rich by now.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Colindale -
You are stating that Iran needs to remain untouched because they could unleash a global catastrophe. If what you say is true, we need to be ready to hit Iran hard, along with Israel. If Iran actually has that level of control over us, either they need to go or we will be continually kissing their asses. What if they decide to annex Iraq? Demand that Obama divert all Israeli aid to Iran? According to your logic, all we can do is surrender.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
COLINDALE: All this because one man indulged in rhetoric!
No, sir. This one statement betrays your rabbit-like fear and inability to see the world as it really is because of your fear. Joe “Hairplugs” Biden is there to make silly statements and draw attention to himself, and away from what’s really going on. If a strike against Iran happens, it will be because Iran instigated an unacceptable nuclear threat against the world (not only against Israel, but they won’t hesitate if they detect a threat against them - nor should they). And we won’t know until it’s a done deal.
Some of us will be ready to deal with the consequences. People like you, however, probably won’t be.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:15 am
The ‘unacceptable nuclear threat against the world’ is, without doubt, the massive, secret, nuclear arsenal in Israel that is estimated by world authorities to now hold up to 400 nuclear warheads - enough to wipe out half the world.
This arsenal is completely unadmitted and uninspected by the International Atomic Energy Authority of the UN as its existence is denied. Israel is one of the very few states in the world to refuse to be a signatory to the Nuclear NPT. Iran is a signatory as is the US, UK and over 180 other countries worldwide.
You may be willing to accept the disastrous consequences of an attack against Iran but ordinary families in London, NY, LA, Paris and in major cities around the world, are not.
July 7th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Israel is one of the very few states in the world to refuse to be a signatory to the Nuclear NPT. Iran is a signatory as is the US, UK and over 180 other countries worldwide.
Iran is a signatory to the NPT? How odd that they are developing nukes, then!
You know, North Korea was also a signatory, right up until a few years before they started bomb testing. It’s worthless.