Really Real Reality TV
I’m not a big fan of charging people for emergency services. But when someone accidentally launches a 20-foot balloon he constructed to conduct lighter-than-air commuting research, and having failed to keep track of their six-year-old, report said tyke is aloft, forcing the local international airport to postpone flight operations, military helicopters to be launched and emergency chase vehicles to conduct a ground pursuit, those may be the kind of special circumstances that warrant billing for gross avoidable stupidity.
That’s up to the county, state and federal authorities in Colorado to decide. Meanwhile, let’s hear it for the Heene family of reality TV’s “Wife Swap” fame!
They just vastly expanded their audience and entertained the nation for two hours of heart-gripping yet intellectually stimulating and educational reality TV. It was like a really first-rate episode of “Who Wants To Be America’s Next 24-Hour News Channel Sensation!?!”
All across America, people were asking themselves, how are they going to get that kid out of there? Poor little tyke. How about a helicopter dangles a big net? What about dropping special ops troopers down a line? Hang on, how about some HALO jumpers, who can swoop right in? What about if they use chopper blades to just blow that thing down? How cold is it up there, anyway? Does the little fella have enough oxygen? What are the chances it’s going to miss the power lines, or avoid slamming into anything else? Hey, if that guy could do it, could I make a balloon like that? Looks kind of fun, but really really dangerous. Don’t try this at home. Hang on, turns out it’s safer that way. Just don’t try it up in the air.
Cops said they don’t suspect a hoax. I dunno, it sure looked a lot like a homemade pilot for “Heene Family Stormchasers” … ”Heenes Over America!” … something like that.
AP reports this aw shucks moment, when dad told how he had shooed the kid out of the balloon’s compartment shortly before the fateful mishap, and how the kid went and hid:
“I yelled at him. I’m really sorry I yelled at him,” Heene said, choking up and hugging Falcon to him during a news conference.
“I was in the attic and he scared me because he yelled at me,” Falcon said. “That’s why I went in the attic.”
But then CNN reports the kid blabbing on Larry King, “You guys said we did this for the show.”
An indignant Dad later tells Wolf Blitzer he’s “appalled” by the suggestion of fakery. The kid was refering to all the media coverage.
Well, yeah. That’s the show, isn’t it? Whatever. One way or the other, these neighborhood crackpots might have really hit on something. We may have just watched another dramatic evolution in our national culture taking place right in front of our eyes. Big breakthrough.
Reality TV went pedestrian a while ago. Too contrived. Dumb contests. I deeply admired the shameless shlock of ”Chains of Love” and “Beauty and the Geek,” but the epitome of the art form was pretty much where it jumped the shark. “Gana La Verde” was an interesting concept for about 15 minutes, would have been better if it involved actual border-hopping. The saccharine charitabletainment and misery-sploitation of “Extreme Makeover” quickly became unwatchable. Crazy competition turned into competitive craziness on one show after another, from “Survivor” to ”The Apprentice” to “Project Runway.” Then the genre went stultifyingly normal with “House Hunters.” It’s getting so people actually prefer scripted TV again.
That means it’s time for a paradigm changer. Remove the producers from the equation, change the format, and leave the gimmickry to genuine American ingenuity. How do you, Joe Smarter-Than-Your-Average-Citizen, plan to grab your two hours of prime 24-hour TV news time? News of the stupid has been popular for a long time, and America’s Funniest Home Videos along with YouTube were sort of the dress rehearsal. But the Heenes just defined the art form. And set the bar really high … about 7,000 feet up, with newscopters in pursuit and Shepard Smith providing the commentary, in real time.
Check this out. AccessHollywood: Balloon Boy had the stars riveted. A bunch of second and third string ones, anyway. Because it was really real reality TV. Even if it wasn’t. Meanwhile, real stars like Allahpundit, Malkin and Fausta liveblogged the unfolding drama. BoingBoing, in mystical tones:
Some say he may have fallen from the balloon and others think he never got in the balloon but is hiding because he doesn’t want to get into trouble.
Some started wondering if it was a publicity stunt even before they heard about the “Wife Swap” connection. Malkin notes some shameless boosterism amid the … shameless boosterism:
Hmmm…if your son had been missing for hours, would you start out a press conference plugging your 3DLEV?!?!
Well, maybe that guy who invented the Segway was watching.
Allah likes this Balloon Dad quote:
“Anyone else think the whole nation fascinated by a hot air balloon that turned out to be empty just might be a little symbolic?”
Turns out the guy’s a deeply profound social commentator, in addition to being a reality TV genius, an amateur stormologist and a Mylar aerialist. What doesn’t he do? No, wait a minute, sorry. That’s just some guy on Twitter (low-budget reality gig for people stuck on verbal expression).
Anyway, the trick isn’t just going to be how to convince a skeptical public it’s really really real this time, or next. The other trick is going to be turning a buck. Regular reality TV gig, book, advertising contracts, a hostship. To really be someone, thanks to reality. But the brass ring could be getting sponsorship for the virgin gig and pulling it off without blowing cover.
Though Americans have shown themselves willing to be really stupid just for 30 minutes on YouTube, so a couple hours or even a full day’s worth in front of the entire nation may be its own reward.
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Posted by Jules Crittenden at 10:41 pm Comments (3) on Thursday, October 15, 2009
3 Responses to “Really Real Reality TV”
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October 16th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Jules, go take a gander at the Wolf Blitzer clip interviewing the family. The kid says, “we did it for a (or the) show.”
Total hoax. Cold busted by the six year old
October 16th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I agree with you, Jules. Send the bill to the family.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
You gotta hand it to the dad. That UFO video wasn’t going to nab nearly as much attention as Balloon Boy.